My 2nd song Ive ever written

...and stuff

Moderator: Capt. Black

voxxxer
meble-kuchenne.warszawa.pl

My 2nd song Ive ever written

Post by voxxxer »

I wanna know what you all think of my simple simple dull lyrics.
(Without using the words simple twice, or dull)

VERSE ONE:
I like the space
I like the feel
I want the taste
I want the touch
I want you

I need to feel
your body weight
down on my chest and on my face
So do you

BRIDGE
I wanna make your body sweat
I wanna see it all roll down your neck
I'd love-to-see-it-roll-right-down-the-back
he back of your skin.

CHORUS
Rough it, pump it and pump it in and out
Love it,
there's nothing dirty in your mouth.
Rub it, love it and take it all in.
nothing wrong X5

VERSE 2
I like the way it fits, In my hand
I need to know you know you need it
I'll make you want it any way I can

BRIDGE(? havn't decided what this is, break down part)
In the car, on teh bus, on a plane train or truck.
You can get it anywhere if your down on your luck
and you only got a buck
and you really need to

CHORUS.


That's all ive got so far.

Sing it like you say it but with gravel and thats the sound I've got so far.
I wrote that when I was drunk...

Help me in writing this somehow?

User avatar
Michael
Vintage Post Junkie
Vintage Post Junkie
Posts: 1425
Joined: Thu Nov 22, 2007 4:52 pm
Has liked: 346 times
Been liked: 110 times

Re: My 2nd song Ive ever written

Post by Michael »

Wow.

Just... wow.

I like the end of the first verse...

I'm having a hard time understanding how it's sung. Is it sung in a creepy paedo voice? If so, that's creepy. If not.. could you elaborate a bit? What kind of music are you picturing/imagining this infront of? Would you picture vocals being clear and easy to understand, or more mumbled/less easy to understand?

Are you a man or woman? Some parts seem like they could be said/sung from a womans perspective. Edit: You could replace woman with 'gay man' as well.

voxxxer

Re: My 2nd song Ive ever written

Post by voxxxer »

hope that's good WOW's... not bad sarcastic ones lol.

Ummm...

VERSE ONE:
I like the space
I like the feel
I want the taste
I want the touch
I want you

how do I describe how to sing It without recording it on something with a mic, i DONT HAVE?!?!?!?

grawr.

Say it slowly and imagine a slow kick and snare in teh back ground.

User avatar
Michael
Vintage Post Junkie
Vintage Post Junkie
Posts: 1425
Joined: Thu Nov 22, 2007 4:52 pm
Has liked: 346 times
Been liked: 110 times

Re: My 2nd song Ive ever written

Post by Michael »

voxxxer wrote:hope that's good WOW's... not bad sarcastic ones lol.
Neither really.. was just my initial reaction... didn't expect to read what I did. I think I understand what you're getting at with the tone of the song.

voxxxer

Re: My 2nd song Ive ever written

Post by voxxxer »

sweeeet.

after uni exam's are over hoping to get my m8 to record me.

WOW is a good thing.
That was what i was hoping for.
The good kinda wow.
Like, I was NOT expecting that.

I don't write generic songs about girls, or cars, or money, or how girls like cars and money, but they dont like you, or they like you BECAUSE of your cars and money, or if you DONT have money, girls will like you because you pimped out your shitty 03' honda civic with grrrrlz.

User avatar
Michael
Vintage Post Junkie
Vintage Post Junkie
Posts: 1425
Joined: Thu Nov 22, 2007 4:52 pm
Has liked: 346 times
Been liked: 110 times

Re: My 2nd song Ive ever written

Post by Michael »

So is this more rap than rock?

voxxxer

Re: My 2nd song Ive ever written

Post by voxxxer »

nah fuck that, i dont rap.
and I also dont ball room dance.

Rock ftw

User avatar
Capt. Black
Vintage Post Junkie
Vintage Post Junkie
Posts: 6510
Joined: Sat Dec 03, 2005 12:39 am
Location: Valles Marineris
Has liked: 165 times
Been liked: 245 times

Re: My 2nd song Ive ever written

Post by Capt. Black »

Seems good. Keen to hear it in context.

User avatar
sambrowne
Vintage Post Junkie
Vintage Post Junkie
Posts: 1911
Joined: Thu Dec 16, 2004 6:15 pm
Location: Auckland

Re: My 2nd song Ive ever written

Post by sambrowne »

Man oh man. Well, you've asked for advice...here we go.
voxxxer wrote:I wanna know what you all think of my simple simple dull lyrics.
(Without using the words simple twice, or dull)

VERSE ONE:
I like the space
I like the feel
I want the taste
I want the touch
I want you

I need to feel
your body weight
down on my chest and on my face
So do you
Ok. The first half is reasonably fine, or at least potentially it is. I don't hate it entirely.

The second half is problematic in that it will leave your listener going "wtf?" rather than digging your killer song. You're saying you need to feel her body weight (which makes her sound fat) down on your chest (which is overly literal, and "down" makes no sense - down on your feet maybe, but your chest is high on your body so down on your chest doesn't make sense. I know you mean she's bearing down on your chest but still - doesn't make sense.
And you want her body weight on your face? I mean, unless you're a circus strong man, you probably don't want someone's entire body weight on your face.

Are you a circus strongman?
BRIDGE
I wanna make your body sweat
I wanna see it all roll down your neck
I'd love-to-see-it-roll-right-down-the-back
he back of your skin.
You want to see her sweat on her neck, ok that's reasonable, but "all" is clearly just to pad out the length of the sentence. No great crime, I can live with that and plenty of big bands do this. But you want to see the sweat roll down the back of her skin? No, you don't. Unless you're planning on skinning her and then somehow making her hot so her sweat rolls down her now flayed skin. Which you probably don't really want. I get it - you want to see the sweat rolling down the back of her body - that's a reasonable thing to want, but that's not what it says.
Rough it, pump it and pump it in and out
Love it,
there's nothing dirty in your mouth.
Rub it, love it and take it all in.
nothing wrong X5
Rough it, pump it - hmm....rough it? Is that a verb? No, it's not.
Strictly speaking, someone's cock is a little bit dirty, as a rule. And do you want your listener having to think about your cock? The fact is, if I am your listener, at this point I'm like "fuck this, I don't want to hear a chorus about his not dirty cock". Even having to consider whether it IS in fact clean or dirty is gross and I'm out of there.
VERSE 2
I like the way it fits, In my hand
I need to know you know you need it
I'll make you want it any way I can
Ok so her boob, presumably, fits in your hand. That's fine, sort of...
YOU need to know that SHE knows she needs it....as the listener, this is like saying double negatives like "I don't need to not know that you know I don't not need it". It's not that complicated, but it's too complicated anyway. I mean, you need to know that she needs it - that's enough isn't it? You don't actually need to know that SHE KNOWS she needs it.
BRIDGE(? havn't decided what this is, break down part)
In the car, on teh bus, on a plane train or truck.
You can get it anywhere if your down on your luck
and you only got a buck
and you really need to
Ok, a few doozies here. The first line is comically ridiculous. I mean, are we talking about the many modes of transport available in the 21st century (don't forget bicycles and hovercrafts), or the places you can fuck your lady? This is frankly bizarre.
You probably CAN'T really get it if you're down on your luck...I mean, it's called getting lucky, right? And if you're down on your luck, you're probably not getting laid so much.
You've mentioned that if you only have a buck (that's one dollar) you can get laid. Well, experience indicates that this is not the case in most countries. Maybe in Vietnam if you have 5 US dollars, during the Vietnam War, but that's quite specific. You've put this in as a third rhyme, which draw too much attention to the rhyming - you don't want to do this. You want your rhymes to feel natural and uncontrived, rather than "wow, that's a lot of words that rhyme with fuck in a row".
Help me in writing this somehow?
Sure. Buy the book "Tunesmith" by Jimmy Webb, it's packed to the gills with great songwriting advice. Buy the book "Successful Lyric Writing" by Sheila Davis. And buy a rhyming dictionary to help you get more interesting rhymes (most pro songwriters will use a rhyming dictionary all the time).

I'm not taking the piss (entirely), I've done all the things you've done wrong above - keep at it, songwriting is like learning guitar or anything else - the secret is to stick at it and keep doing it and you will improve.

User avatar
Stormbringer
Ashton
Ashton
Posts: 185
Joined: Thu Jul 13, 2006 11:27 pm
Location: Auckland

Re: My 2nd song Ive ever written

Post by Stormbringer »

I think: - be less literal, more abstract or metaphorical. If you're abstract enough you can pretend you're metaphorical, like me :) Describe something implicitly rather than explicitly. Not necessary for every line, but it mixes up the pure description you've got going, which isn't convincing. That's the problem, not that it's bad, but it isn't convincing, sounds a bit like a joke.

Personally, I like to write about real thoughts. The problem with writing about love or sex or things like that is that they're so ridiculously overdone that your listener is going to think it's not genuine, that it's just sell-out, regular old topic that you hear a million times on pop radio. So even when you do it right it can be no good to the reader/listener. I reckon if you're gonna do a normal topic like love or sex, try to make it something really clever and distinctive, otherwise try to be clever about your topic instead.

This also seems like the perfect situation for some bluesy metaphors and turns-of-phrase - if you work some of those in it might seem more serious (if not genuine) - a bit better than being descriptive in a conversational sense. Aha - I think I've struck something here - don't write it like you'd speak it, write it in a different language. A songwriting language. Is this bullshit?

I disagree with sambrowne about the 'verb'/phrase 'rough it' - if you figure it out you can make any phrase work in a song and convey the meaning you want it to mean, regardless of whether it makes sense. I guess I'm a bit influenced by modernist poetry in this regard - my lines often don't work grammatically or even semantically but convey a meaning or aesthetic nonetheless. Force a meaning through unusual words or grammar, if that works in your song. If it doesn't, come up with something else.
Pilgrim's Pyre live recordings up! We have sound! http://www.myspace.com/pilgrimspyre
Who am I? http://www.myspace.com/cashtonnz

User avatar
willow13
Vintage Post Junkie
Vintage Post Junkie
Posts: 14558
Joined: Sun Dec 19, 2004 2:36 pm
Location: If less is more then just think how much more more is
Has liked: 372 times
Been liked: 634 times

Re: My 2nd song Ive ever written

Post by willow13 »

Frey wrote:this makes me think of rob halford, but less tasteful
oh now you've just put it in the context that he's sing about a guy.........(before that it reminded me of nickleback)
Attachments
images-2.jpg
images-2.jpg (3.92 KiB) Viewed 6804 times
If Less is More Then Just Think How Much More More would be

User avatar
willow13
Vintage Post Junkie
Vintage Post Junkie
Posts: 14558
Joined: Sun Dec 19, 2004 2:36 pm
Location: If less is more then just think how much more more is
Has liked: 372 times
Been liked: 634 times

Re: My 2nd song Ive ever written

Post by willow13 »

sambrowne wrote:Man oh man. Well, you've asked for advice...here we go.
dude you make it sound like lyric's need to make since :? .......they don't, its a work of fiction :wink:
Khann wrote:So is this more rap than rock?
funny I thought it was rap to
If Less is More Then Just Think How Much More More would be

User avatar
rocklander
no offense, but I'm not a guitarist
Posts: 10358
Joined: Mon Dec 11, 2006 9:05 pm
Location: Rotorua

Re: My 2nd song Ive ever written

Post by rocklander »

Stormbringer wrote:I think: - be less literal, more abstract or metaphorical. If you're abstract enough you can pretend you're metaphorical, like me :) Describe something implicitly rather than explicitly. Not necessary for every line, but it mixes up the pure description you've got going, which isn't convincing. That's the problem, not that it's bad, but it isn't convincing, sounds a bit like a joke.

Personally, I like to write about real thoughts. The problem with writing about love or sex or things like that is that they're so ridiculously overdone that your listener is going to think it's not genuine, that it's just sell-out, regular old topic that you hear a million times on pop radio. So even when you do it right it can be no good to the reader/listener. I reckon if you're gonna do a normal topic like love or sex, try to make it something really clever and distinctive, otherwise try to be clever about your topic instead.

This also seems like the perfect situation for some bluesy metaphors and turns-of-phrase - if you work some of those in it might seem more serious (if not genuine) - a bit better than being descriptive in a conversational sense. Aha - I think I've struck something here - don't write it like you'd speak it, write it in a different language. A songwriting language. Is this bullshit?

I disagree with sambrowne about the 'verb'/phrase 'rough it' - if you figure it out you can make any phrase work in a song and convey the meaning you want it to mean, regardless of whether it makes sense. I guess I'm a bit influenced by modernist poetry in this regard - my lines often don't work grammatically or even semantically but convey a meaning or aesthetic nonetheless. Force a meaning through unusual words or grammar, if that works in your song. If it doesn't, come up with something else.
+1 on all things above (except the bluesy stuff - not that I disagree,I just don't know what it means :lol: ). on the 'clever' front, I think the muttonbirds 'heater' is a classic along these lines "come on and plug me in, I wanna feel the heat begin".. sure that line alone doesn't seem clever, but in the context of the song it's very tasteful.

I can't offer any constructive help here on this tho cos I can't write lyrics to save my sorry white @rse :lol:
Some Bozo wrote:dogs represent the qualities we like to see in a friend, and cats represent the qualites we'd like to be able to get away with in ourselves :D
.__
. __\___
. _____D)
. __)
. __)
.__)pull my finger

stagepass

User avatar
Stormbringer
Ashton
Ashton
Posts: 185
Joined: Thu Jul 13, 2006 11:27 pm
Location: Auckland

Re: My 2nd song Ive ever written

Post by Stormbringer »

rocklander wrote: +1 on all things above (except the bluesy stuff - not that I disagree,I just don't know what it means :lol:
Y'know how blues has its own set of phrases, like 'my worried mind' or 'happy home'? I was thinking if you stick in a few phrases like that into the song it might sound more genuine. Not those ones exactly, maybe make up some new ones - they convey a certain meaning and sound lyrical without being commonly used turns of phrase. They're sort of specifically songwriting phrases. Now at least, maybe not back in the old days.
Pilgrim's Pyre live recordings up! We have sound! http://www.myspace.com/pilgrimspyre
Who am I? http://www.myspace.com/cashtonnz

User avatar
sambrowne
Vintage Post Junkie
Vintage Post Junkie
Posts: 1911
Joined: Thu Dec 16, 2004 6:15 pm
Location: Auckland

Re: My 2nd song Ive ever written

Post by sambrowne »

willow13 wrote:dude you make it sound like lyric's need to make since :? .......they don't, its a work of fiction :wink:
You mean sense, right?...

A work of fiction doesn't need to make sense? When's the last time you read a novel that made no sense? Of course they need to, whether they're fiction, factual or a combination of the two (as most songs seem to be). You don't have to spell it out but the listener should experience something as a result of hearing the song, rather than just being bombarded with 3 minutes of your stream of consciousness about nothing in particular.

Songwriting is a musical skill, as is lyric writing. Most guitarists on forums around the world seem to be primarily focused on getting their (insert relatively obscure guitar hero name here) "tone" and "chops" down. Songwriting is entirely neglected in favour of focus on the guitar player's role, which is misunderstood and seems to be thought to be about getting as close to EVH style shredding as possible. This is why most guitarists' playing remains in their bedrooms or at best to empty clubs - because people actually don't care how fast you are. The only people that do care are....other guitarists. This is why most of us can name way more Clapton or Led Zeppelin songs than Yngwie or Paul Gilbert songs, even though the latter two are much faster and more technically skilled than the former two. The sooner guitarists realise this, the sooner their "songs" stop being a lame collection of cliches and start being an actual song.

The songs that you really care about, that spark an emotional response in your brain, are not about tone or virtuosity. They're about a combination of a whole bunch of things - melody, harmony, emotion, rhythm, musicianship, structure, and most certainly lyrics. While there are some situations where lyrics play a minor role in the song, 9 out of 10 times the lyrics are a major part of the song's impact.

Post Reply